


Attack on Shenanigans

by Department_of_Records



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Crack, Funny, Multi, fucking crack, great way to waste your time, stupid
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-05-12
Updated: 2014-05-12
Packaged: 2018-01-24 12:29:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,660
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1605212
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Department_of_Records/pseuds/Department_of_Records
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Just read it...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

There once was a man named Levi.  
He is a 34 year old that’s 5”3’  
He hangs out with a bunch of teenagers because all his friends died.  
He has squinty eyes.  
He likes to kill titans….and make poop jokes.  
Don’t feel bad for yourself –feel bad for this guy…  
THE END  
Meowmeowmeow I like cats.  
There once was a girl called Mikasa.  
She was very overprotective of her adoptive brother Eren.  
One day, she found her brother in the closet….with Levi.  
…….  
They jumped out of the closet and said, SURPRISE.  
Eren said,   
We came out of the closet! Yay!  
Mikasa was confused by Eren’s statement.  
Eren said,  
I’m gay! Yay!  
Mikasa said,   
What?! With who?  
With me! Ackerman!  
Levi groaned.  
Mikasa runs up to Levi and punches him in the face.  
What the hell, Ackerman!!  
Levi yells.  
Mikasa replies,  
I DON’T WANT YOUR HANDS IN MY BROTHER’S PANTS SO GET AWAY FROM HIM.  
Excuse me? Who said anything about getting into your brother’s pants?  
Levi fumed.  
Well, you were implying it!!  
Mikasa spat.  
Eren yells,  
Hey guys! I’M RIGHT HERE!  
Both Levi and Mikasa yell,  
WE KNOW  
And continues fighting.  
Wow! You guys are even in sync!  
Silence….  
SHUT UP, EREN!  
Eren mused,  
And that was in sync too…..  
Silence…  
I want to kill you right now, and that’s NOT a good thing!  
Yelled Mikasa  
Me too,  
Agreed Levi.  
Pause.  
Mikasa and Levi killed Eren.  
THE END  
Meowmeowmeow I like cats  
Once there was a boy called Armin  
He wanted to go to the outside world   
Unfortunately, Armin is stuck inside big giant walls.  
But Armin really, REALLY, REALLY, wanted to go outside  
So he packed some things  
A book  
A blanket (to wrap things in)  
A lunch box (for lunch)  
A book  
A book   
A book  
Shampoo  
A book  
A book.  
Soon, he finished.  
Then he realized that he forgot something.  
A book!  
He put it into his blanket bag and set off.  
At the gate, he met his friend Eren  
Little did he know that his friend Eren was already dead.  
So he said,  
Hey Eren!  
Eren didn’t answer.  
When he got closer, he realized that Eren has turned into a bag of potatoes!  
Oh no!  
Armin panicked.  
He ran home to call for help.  
So, in the end, Armin never went to the outside world.  
All the better, since   
We  
Might have forgotten  
To mention  
That   
Man eating titans  
Lived outside the walls.  
THE END  
Meowmeowmeow I like cats  
Once there was a boy named Jean  
His last name was Kirstien.  
He looks like a horse!  
(but he doesn’t admit it)  
He is extremely attracted to long black hair  
(Which the love of his life has until she cut it because Eren told her too)  
He happens to hate a person named Eren Jeager.  
Which he says is for no reason but we all know why.  
(It’s because of the hair)  
So Jean calls him a suicidal bastard.  
(But we all know it’s because of the hair)  
And Jean used to like a boy named Marco.  
But he died.  
So he takes his anger out onto a certain Eren Jeager  
(It’s the hair)  
And so ends the tragic non-existent love life of Jean Kirstien.  
THE END  
Meowmeowmeow I like cats =^-^=   
There once was a girl named Mikasa  
She has a bad case of unrequited love.  
So, she went to a counselor.  
Counselor: So, what’s your problem?  
Mikasa: I like someone…but I think he’s gay.  
C: what’s his name?  
M:….Eren <3  
C:!!!! Isn’t that your brother!!??  
M: We’re not related by blood….  
C: But still,…  
M: Look, are you going to help me or not?  
C: Alright, Alright. Who is this person that your brother likes?  
M: He is a 34 year old that’s 5”3. He hangs out with a bunch of teenagers because all his friends died. He has squinty eyes. He likes to kill titans….and make poop jokes. And I’m pretty sure that he could be related to me. Oh, and he’s gay.  
C: O.o….do you have a really messed up relationship with your brother(s)?  
M: I guess….  
C: Well, you do know that having…relationships… with your brother…..is incest.  
M: LIKE I SAID… we’re not really related  
C:Well…  
M: you know what? You’re a shitty counselor!  
Mikasa storms out of the counselor’s office.  
.  
…..  
……….  
……………  
…………………  
……………………..  
………………….  
…………….  
………..  
…..  
.  
THE END


	2. Act Two: Attack On Hanji's Fanfiction

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .........

~~ ~~

_Once upon a time there was a boy named Eren._

“Um… Why am I in this thing…?”

“Don’t drag Eren in this, four eyes!”

_Who was friends with a man named Levi….VERY good friends…._

“Captain Levi, if you had ANYTHING to do with this…”

“Gah, Ackerman, I have nothing to do with anything with Hanji’s weird fantasies!”

“Guys! What’s going on?”

“Oh, hey Armin!”

“…What’s that?”

“Oi, brat! Keep reading!”

“Captain Levi…”

_One day, Eren was very bored, so he decided to go to the river to go swimming. Once he was there, he met a duck. Because Eren happened to have brain fever…_

“…Brain fever..?”

“Keep reading!”

_Because Eren happened to have brain fever, Eren decided he wanted to talk to the duck._

_“Hello duck!”_

_Also because this is a fanfiction, the duck said,_

_“Hello!”_

_“My name is Eren!”_

_“My name is Armin!” quacked the duck._

“…Why am I a duck..?”

“Because you look like one.”

“I-I don’t look like a duck!”

“No offense, Armin, but you talk like one too…”

“Mikasa!!!”

*Goes to cry in a corner*

“Um… should I keep reading..?”

“What do you think?”

“I-I’m sorry, I’ll keep reading…”

_“My name is Armin.” Quacked the duck. Eren was very happy to meet the duck named Armin, and they talked about many things, including hot dogs, pants, and unsatisfying swimming fashion. Speaking of swimming fashion, Levi decided also to swim that day. Unfortunately, he had forgotten to buy his swimming shorts!_

“Tch..I would never do that.”

“I HEARD SWIMMIMG SHORTS!!!~~~~”

“Oh, it’s the horse face.”

“Oh, it’s the suicidal bastard.”

“Guys, stop.”

“O-oh, Mikasa, I didn’t know– “

“Eren, keep reading”

*dejected, goes to cry in the corner*

_“Oh well,” said Levi, and he then began to strip himself of all his articles of clothing except his boxers, which had a pattern of gay rainbows on them._

_“Oh Levi!” exclaimed Eren, “what f-fabulous m-majestic a-abs you haaave…._

“…..”

“…..”

“Who wrote this again?”

“Four-eyes”

“…I’ll be right back”

“Where are you going? Mikasa, wait!”

……..

………..

……………

*in the distance-

“Oh hi, Mikasa!

M-Mikasa?

Wait! What are you!

AHHHHHHHHHH!”*

*the following has been censored for the viewer’s sake*

………………………….

………………….

……….

“Captian Levi…?”

“….Just keep reading”

_…..you have!”_

_“Obviously,” smirked Levi,_ _with a smoldering sexy look, “I do it for you.” Eren blushed hotly and Armin the duck exclaimed, “I wish I wasn’t a duck…” Eren was confused by Armin’s statement, but he thought it was just his brain fever acting up, so he didn’t pursue the issue. Meanwhile, hot-fabulous-majestic-abs was getting into the river. Eren was stupefied. Levi looked delicious in the waist deep water surrounded by cattails and the like. He splashed his face in the most beautiful way possible, and ran a hand through his now wet silky black locks that stuck to his forehead. Eren and Armin sighed as they watched water droplets trickle down his well built body. Armin said again, “I wish I wasn’t a duck” and Eren now understands his statement._

_“Aren’t you coming in as well?”  Levi asked. Eren was ecstatic! But, unfortunately, he realized that he had also forgotten his swimming shorts….._

“I HEARD SWIMMING SHORTS!!!~~~~~~”

“Oh, I didn’t realize that the horse face was gay as well.”

“M-Mikasa…..”

*Goes to the emo corner with Armin and cries*

_……forgotten his swimming shorts._

_“Umm, Levi…”_

_“What?”_

_“I left my swimming s-shorts at h-home……” Eren blushed._

_“Tch. Just come in your boxers. That’s what I’m doing.”_

_“Well…..”_

_“If you don’t get your ass over here, I will strip you, and kick your ass in the water.”_

_“Okay, okay..” Eren tried to cover himself as he stripped himself of his clothes because unfortunately, Eren had chosen this day to don kawaii captain Levi chibi boxers._

_“Oi. Jaeger. Is that_ me _on your trunks?”_

_“N-no…It’s um………. MIkasa!”_

“…….”

“……….”

“……………”

“Well then…”

“…………..”

“I’ll be back.”

“Oi. Jaeger. Do you actually-“

“W-what?! NO. I don’t. I don’t think so..”

“You don’t THINK so?”

“N-NO! I mean…. I don’t _know_ so!!!”

“Jaeger, speak English, I don’t understand you.”

“I mean…….”

“….”

“….”

“Give me the paper.”

“W-What?”

“Give me the fucking paper, Jaeger, or do you not understand English anymore?”

“…”

_“…Mikasa? Really?”_

_“….I’m sorry…”_

_“What for?”_

_“For wearing y-your f-face on my…..”_

_“On your boxers? Nah…I’m glad that I’m fitting to be worn on a hot ass like yours.” Levi smirked at Eren, causing him to blush violently.  “So, are you coming in?”_

_“Y-Yeah” Eren walked slowly to the edge of the pond and dipped a toe in the water. Although it was a warm sunny day, the water was freezing!_

_“Well?”_

_“The water’s really cold, Levi…”_

_“…Tch.” Levi walked over to Eren, and, wrapping an arm around him, picked him up._

_“W-Wha!” Eren cried._

_“What, got a problem, Jaeger?”_

_“W-Well…”_

_“You said it was cold, right?”_

_“W-Well yeah, but…”_

_“So, you just need to get used to it!”_

_“W-Wait, what?!”_

_“Get used to it Jaeger!” Saying that, Levi threw Eren into the pond._

_“W-What the hell, Levi!”_

_Saying that, Eren suddenly had a brilliant idea….Eren lay underwater as quietly as he could. After a while, he could hear Levi calling his name. Closer….closer…Splash! Eren jumped out of the water and sprayed Levi in the face._

_“…Okay,_ Jaeger, _you asked for it!”_

_*Insert sexy water fight here*_

“What the hell, Hanji…”

“…..”

“………”

“………..Levi?”

“……I’ll be right back.”

“Levi?”

_*_ In the distant space known as Hanji’s room*

“O-Oh h-hey Levi…?”

“L-Levi w-wait! I-I’m s-sorry!”

“I-I’m S-sorry!”

“L-evi!!!”

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH”

*The following has been censored for the viewers’ sake”

_The End_

_P.S.:_

Armin and Jean are still crying in the corner

**Author's Note:**

> More to come!!


End file.
